Vol. LXIV
Can't Anybody Here Play This GameA Documented Curse · cantanybodyhereplaythisgame.report
← Back to the leaderboard LIVE · IN PROGRESS
ACTIVE MONITORING · 2026 SEASON · PATTERN RECOGNITION ENGAGED
Curse Probability Preview · 2026 Season · LIVE DOCUMENT

Oh Shit,
Here We Go.

The model generates an uncomfortable number every January. This year it didn't wait until January.

Status
IN PROGRESS · Monitoring
Payroll
$340M+ (2nd in MLB)
Key signing
Juan Soto · $765M / 15 years
Opening expectation
World Series favorites
Current signal
ELEVATED · Pattern forming
Projected MMI
TBD
2026 Curse Probability · Pre-Season Model Output
73.2%
Probability that the 2026 Mets will produce an MMI-scoreable collapse event, given: payroll percentile (97th), roster talent (projected 94 wins), Soto contract weight, and September schedule density vs. Miami.
Early Warning Indicators · May 2026
Marcus Semien
.198
BA through May · $156M contract
Devin Williams
5.40ERA
Closer acquisition · $14M/yr
Just swept by
MIA
The Marlins. In May. Already.
Fan Misery Index
30
Simmering. In May. Already.

The pattern is forming

The 2026 Mets entered the season as World Series favorites. They had the second-highest payroll in baseball. They had Juan Soto, signed to the largest contract in professional sports history, entering year two. They signed Marcus Semien ($156M) and traded for Devin Williams to close. The expectation was explicit: championship.

It is May. Semien is hitting .198. Williams has a 5.40 ERA. They just got swept by the Miami Marlins — a team rebuilding, a team with one-quarter their payroll, a team the data has identified as the franchise's specific nemesis across three separate documented elimination events.

The sweep is not, by itself, the story. Teams get swept. It happens. The story is the shape of the early season — the shape the model recognizes because it has seen it before. Three times before. In 2007. In 2008. In 2025.

Model input · What the Curse Probability Preview measures
Opening Day payroll percentile (97th). Pre-season projected wins (94). Contract concentration (Soto = 23% of total payroll in a single player). September schedule: 6 games vs. Miami. Historical base rate of Mets collapses from this payroll tier: 4 of the last 5 seasons have produced MMI-scoreable events.

What the model sees

The Curse Probability Preview is not predicting a collapse. It is calculating the probability that the conditions for collapse exist. Those conditions are:

1. High payroll (✓ — 97th percentile)
2. High pre-season expectations (✓ — WS favorites)
3. Concentration risk in key signings (✓ — Semien struggling, Williams struggling)
4. Historical pattern match (✓ — Marlins involvement, early frustration)
5. September schedule with elimination opponent (✓ — 6 games vs. MIA in Sept)

Five of five conditions are present. The model outputs 73.2%. The model is not always right. But the model has never been wrong when all five conditions are present simultaneously. The sample size is small. The pattern is not.

"It is May. The Marlins have already swept them. The model does not believe in curses. The model believes in patterns. The pattern is forming."

Curse Probability Preview · 2026 · §1.1 · Status: Active

What happens next

This page is a living document. It will update as the 2026 season progresses. If the Mets contend and make the playoffs, this page will document that too — noting that the model's 73.2% still allowed for a 26.8% chance of normalcy.

If the pattern completes — if September brings another collapse, if the Marlins are somehow involved, if the payroll-to-performance gap widens into something the MMI can score — this page becomes a chapter. It receives a number. It joins the leaderboard.

If it scores above 91, it takes the #2 slot. If it scores above 98 — if it somehow exceeds the 2025 Mets, the highest-scoring entry in platform history — then a new question emerges: can this franchise produce a perfect 100?

The model says 73.2%. The Marlins are on the schedule. The payroll is $340 million. Marcus Semien is hitting .198. It is May.

Oh shit. Here we go.